Who am I and Why Did I Start a Blog?

After years of self-inflicted isolation, I've been slowly re-emerging and living life again. This process has been very introspective and in the last year or so I've really challenged my sense of self. It's been quite the journey of discovery and surprisingly empowering as I've asked myself: Who am I? What do I want out of life? What am I going to do about it?

Whenever I hear the words "who am I?" I immediately start singing (in my head, of course, I'm not crazy enough to sing out loud) a song from a popular LDS (a.k.a Mormon) musical called Saturday's Warrior. As cheesy and dated as the musical is, it really does have a good message about discovering yourself and destroying false perceptions that you and others have about who you are. The song is called Paper Dream, and it's actually quite good (when put in the context of cheesy 70's religious musical). The character is singing about who he thinks he is, how he doesn't like it, and how each day he takes a pad of paper and draws a self portrait of who he really wants and aspires to be. 

So Who am I?

During one of my daily Facebook trolls I use as a means of avoiding responsibility, I found a note that I had posted back in 2009 (when people still used the note feature). It was titled: 25 Things. The "rules" were that once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, you choose 25 people to be tagged. As I read through the list, I was surprised how well I was able to articulate some ideas I had about myself, and how insightful and accurate a lot of them were. For your reading pleasure, here is what I wrote:

1. I don't usually do these kinds of things as I think they are silly and don't think anyone would be interested in reading them, but I've enjoyed the ones from friends and family so thought I'd give it a shot. 

2. I'm the type of person who prefers a select group of close friends to a large group of aquaintances or even a large group of friends. As a result there are few people I feel comfortable being totally myself with. 

3. I am an inveterate daydreamer. I've gotten so good at it that sometimes something you say will trigger one and I'll zone out of what you are saying to me. 

4. My personality is not easily defined or classified. I'm both very outgoing and very introverted, can hyper-focus and frequently have to be reminded to stay on task, I'm very responsible in church callings and work but one of the most irresponsible students/spenders of money you will ever meet. I love being around lots of people in a fun setting, and hate being around lots of people in a fun setting. I have an excellent vocabulary and love language yet when I talk to people I have a tendency to struggle to find the right word and end up babbling or losing focus of the point I'm trying to get across. 

5. I love being a good friend and helping others. I'm happiest when I have the opportunity to be there for friends and be their "person". 

6. While I'm fairly free and easy going in most things I also have a tendency to be very OCD about others. I love symmetry and order. I hate odd numbered groupings, crooked or unevenly spaced designs/pictures/displays, and when walking often repeat a random phrase over and over and over again as I go. 

7. Being the 5th of 7 kids and sharing most of my possessions until about the age 16, I am very possessive. This is especially true of my books and DVDs. I have actually cataloged them all and am often convinced something is missing from my collection even if they are all there. This is sometimes even true of friends. When I was little I would often get jealous if the person I viewed as my best friend had other close friends. 

8. Family is probably the most important thing in my life. I pride myself, especially, on being a good aunt. I love hearing stories about family members and ancestors and dream of all the family mementos and knowledge I can pass on to my children one day. I often wish that there were more memorabilia from family members that could be passed down from generation to generation. I feel like it's these things that define who I am, and what my potential is. When I was younger I would often have nightmares about something awful happening to family members and whenever we crossed a bridge or something with my youngest sibling I always worried about something happening to him. 

9. I have an embarrassing tendency to loose all control over my bladder when laughing uncontrollably. This is most true when I am with my cousin Mallory who has decided that a visit with her is not complete without my peeing my pants. She has been known to pin me down and tickle me to ensure this happens. Alas, I am not alone in this and the Evans girls are notorious for entertaining bladder control stories. 

10. I have one of the weirdest senses of humor you will ever see. This is often displayed by my making faces at people at the most random of times, spazing out spontaneously, or jumping out at people to scare/startle them. For some reason I find this extremely entertaining. 

11. If you have read the color personality book I am an even mix of white, blue, and red with a good dash of yellow thrown in. For those of you have read the book, you know this makes for a very interesting combination :) 

12. I love looking at beautiful things, whether it be pictures, places, or even people. 

13. I love people watching and observing human nature. When surrounded by people I do more watching and listening than actually contributing to conversation. Some people find this unnerving as it seems like I'm staring at them. Sorry guys :) 

14. I am a very visual and tactile person. I like being surrounded by pretty things, and will often dislike clothes, bedding, or food based on their texture. 

15. Speaking of food, I'm a very picky eater. I like to think of myself as very open minded and willing to try anything, but if I'm honest with myself this is definitely not true of food. I don't like complicated dishes, hate spicy food, and often view eating as entertainment rather than a nutritional necessity. 

16. One of my favorite daydreams is of my dream home. I'm frequently redesigning it and redecorating it. If I were to be financially well of later in life I would put more effort into my home and surroundings than anything else. 

17. I have a very good yet selective memory. I am a very visual person so although I don't exactly have a photographic memory when it comes to reading, I do for everything else. My family often teases me for having false memories of past events. If I remember something I have a tendency to think it was a reoccurring event. I've gotten better but when I was younger I would always preface a memory with "I remember when we always . . . " 

18. I love learning new things and understanding the world around me, but hate school. I prefer to find things out by looking up something when I have a question or asking someone something specific rather than sitting through a semester class on a subject. 

19. I have ADD and it is most often exhibited when I have to sit still and listen to something without any visual stimulation. To me, this is an act of extreme torture. 

20. I am an overly emotional person, but knowing that about myself, bottle up a lot and only express the tiniest bit so as to not overwhelm people or have them think badly of me. 

21. I often care more about other people's opinion of me than my own. 

22. I love the gospel and making connections between known historical events and the scriptures. I love having "ah ha" moments and writing them down. I am such an abstract thinker that the gospel topics that most interest me are the Plan of Salvation, the Light of Christ, and the theological aspect of astronomy. 

23. I am talented and interested in many different subjects but a master of none of them. I believe the saying is "Jack of all trades and master of none." For this reason I never really decided on a college major and never took school all that seriously. 

24. I am a hopeless romantic, and due to the massive amounts of teen and Mormon romance novels I have read over the years, have unrealistic expectations about dating. This is probably why I never date :) 

25. I am better at expressing my thoughts, ideas, and feeling through writing than speaking. This is probably exhibited in this endless and very detailed list :)

What do I want out of life?

For the longest time, I just wanted to be left alone and just make sure my basic needs were met (food, shelter, clothing). Any free time I had was spent watching Netflix or reading books. I would occasionally go out with friends if they were really persuasive, but I tended to prefer isolation to any kind of social interaction. I lived in a small house in Salt Lake with three other LDS girls, and I'm kind of ashamed to admit that I never really got to know my roommates. Whenever they got home, my default response was to finish whatever I was doing in the common area, then go down to my room. 

I was having mild success at work in that I was well respected by my superiors and admired by my peers. I eventually got promoted to a supervisory position and really thrived on the challenge. That is, at first I did. 

Soon the lack of purpose and direction in my personal life started to take a toll on my work performance. Despite the lies I'd been telling myself, things were not ok and I needed a significant change. It was then that I decided I was not happy, and I needed to do something about it.

What am I going to do about it?

In the past, this was usually the step where I stopped and decided it's not worth the effort. But I had already made a few strides by recommitting myself to the Lord and fully practicing my religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (a.k.a. Mormons). I also decided to go back to school. But in true Jenny fashion, I excelled the first semester and really struggled the second semester. So I decided to take a semester off and re-evaluate my priorities. 

I realized that I was far too attached to food and Netflix, so looked into the LDS church's 12 Step Program. They've taken the 12 Steps and adapted them slightly to make them more gospel-centric. It's really an amazing program and the principles taught in it are key to success in life, not just overcoming an addiction. The most significant changes the program made in my life were having me fully commit myself to the Lord and journal about my progress. 

I also decided to start seeing a behavioral psychologist. I'd been to counselors before, but just sitting around talking about my feelings was a waste of my time (in my situation, not in general). He gave me some amazing tools to really evaluate my emotions and take more positive action in my life.

The semester I took off really kick-started my journey of self discovery, and made me realize that the major I had picked was not what I was meant to be doing (Elementary Education). After some self-reflection and an evaluation of my desires in life I decided to pursue a degree in Psychology. I've been having all of these amazing insights into the human psyche and my own personal journey of progression that I decided to start sharing. It's a common idea among the LDS church members that those who prepare lessons or talks often get more out of the experience than the people the message is intended for. I have a feeling that's going to be the case with this blog, but I know that sometimes the smallest trigger can get anyone started on their own path and I hope I can help at least one other person in a similar situation.